Dear Readers,

This is going to be a long post, so I'm asking that you bear with me as I allow the hamster in my head a lengthy run on the wheel that is my brain.

Those of you who've studied my profile will notice the following:

Family
2 sisters, a brother and an awesome wonderful Mother who I miss like crazy.

My Mom hasn't passed on, but she's been taken from me via the cruelty of others and the odious plague of Dementia.

I spent ten years of my life being her caregiver, and one day it was decided - without my input, without me knowing - to put her into assisted living. My sister took her for an appointment with the doctor, and by the evening I was informed that she wouldn't be returning home. The last thing that I got to say to her was "Bye Mom, I'll have dinner ready when you get home". I've not seen her since, and I don't know where she is. The only thing I know is that she is somewhere in town.

Her homecare professionals are attempting to keep me as informed as possible, but I've been told that she doesn't want to see me. I guess I should be grateful that if she happens to drop dead I'll at least get some kind of phone call ... I think.

My sister - who never spent one moment looking after my Mom - gets to see her everyday, and she won't even return my calls. We never did get along, but her participation in this cruelty is just evil.

Recently, the person in charge of Mom's care changed, and this woman also seems to have some kind of hatred toward me. I gather she and my sister are the best of buds. There's also the distinct possiblity that Mom made suggestion that I was abusing her in some way and that I'm seen as a danger. However, the fact that I'm being given any information at all tells me that this more than likely isn't the case and I'm chasing a crazy thought.

I ended up being homeless for five months, living with near strangers and being abandon with a whole pile of bills that I had to erase from my life before I could even consider moving into a place of my own. It seems that those who made this sudden decision didn't think that there would be any negative consequences because of this. All I have left now is a few memories and a picture of Mom that hangs over the computer that I'm writing this on.

Is it wrong for a 32 year old to miss their Mom in such a way? Am I never going to see her again? What inspired such a reckless, thoughtless decision? What do I do?

It's been suggested that I obtain a lawyer, but I can't even afford to eat everyday. The idea of paying for any kind of help is absolutely out of the question. There is the option of legal aid, but you still have to pay for that service. There's never a totally free lunch.

I wish that I could believe in a loving, caring, fair and just God. The child in me gets misty eyed at the idea of a gentle Jesus, but the adult in me knows that it's all just sugary cereal that's meant to numb the head.

What does peace look like for me?