I survived my little pity party from earlier today.  

I guess a little background info... when I was first starting out campaigning for Barack, I told everyone that I was going to make it to the convention, that I was going to be a delegate, that this was the time, I had an epiphany that I was going to be IN that DNC! To me the DNC was here, close enough for me to travel to, for me to be in it.  Plain and simple, this wasn't a mistake me living here at this time, being political and him coming here.  I believed it was my chance to get my foot in the door, or at least have my tiny voice heard even a little.  it didn't work out the way I saw it in my vision...

I got my husband to come caucus with me way back in Feb., which was great for Barack, but horrible for our 2 young kids and for my husband and I who were just coming back together after a short split, the caucus was poorly thought through and they made it so stressful for people with small children b/c of that.  When it came time for them to ask for volunteer delegates I wasn't allowed to stay.  He pretty much told me that if I stayed I would have to find my way back home, and I was 20 miles from home.  He just couldn't take it anymore, the crying kids and the sideways glances from some people.  It sucked.  It hurt, I knew it was at that moment that I was given an opportunity to make a positive impact on a large scale, and I saw it get shut out by a tyrannical control freak... who I loved, OUCH! even worse!  I knew then I would have to make up for that lost delegate spot and I tried!  I went to the meet and greets, I drove to the town hall meetings, I called people, I put up signs and I called and called again and again to check and see if there was anything I could do to be part of this process.  It just didn't matter in the end.  Well, as I've been reminded of, it DID matter, but not in the way I had hoped.  no tickets materialized like I had seen them do BEFORE the caucus...

So today as I was getting online and reading how some of my friends were going and some of them joked about how EASY it was to get tickets, well, I kinda lost it for the day.  All those feelings I had the night my husband refused to wait those extra 30 minutes came rushing back in.  Resentment for being married to a person that limits my actions because he's afraid to move.  Anger towards those that flaunted something I wanted and worked for, but failed to achieve.  Pity for myself that I didn't have more strength to tell my husband to... (what foul word shall I try and post this time?)  Distrust for all of the people I had seen this week who couldn't look me in the eye and simply smile. HELLO, I'm walking around with a volunteer shirt on, I'm on your side, please smile at me and make me feel like I matter!  It all came to a head today and I couldn't figure out what to do with it.  So I just let it out with anger and a touch of " I don't want to do this anymore"  It felt good for a little bit.  I'm still dealing with the angry beast that lives in my chest and scratches every once in a while to remind me of my fury, but I'm lucky enough that I see the big picture and that keeps me breathing.  For me the big picture ISN'T about making my way into a magazine with my arm around some celebrity, it isn't about being able to say I was there.  it's about saying what I've done and what I'm doing to really make this change HAPPEN. Actions will always speak louder than words, that at least is on my side.  So what am I doing?

I stopped whining just long enough today to map out what I want to start writing about and some solutions I think could work.  I saw Barack's speech tonight, no matter how pissed off  I was at EVERYONE else ;), I had to watch him.  I had to feel like he was worth this pain, this pity party.  He was.  He definitely was.

Last week I had another epiphany and this time I was meeting him, not just watching him speak with 84,000 other people.  Enough of my epiphanies have come true in my life to know it could happen, but only if I stay true to myself and never give up and that's what I plan on doing.  Stay focused, stay true to my beliefs, stay honest and open, stay tuned in to life's quiet whispers from the sidelines...

When life closes a door, break out of the window!!!

THANKS JEN, my new found Blue Goose friend.  You saw through my complaints and knew I needed some fresh guidance, I'm going to go check out your suggestion right now!  PEACE!