I gotta say I kinda had a sucky dad growing up. He called me fat and stupid for most of my pre-pubescent years, he went to only one of my soccer games when I was a kid, he never read to me, he had no problem yelling SHUT UP at anyone in the house, and lots more. He would scare us into doing things with threats of spankings and "... so help me ..." Let's just say he didn't believe in treating his children like small adults. He once told me he owned my life until I graduated college. Now to some that sounds sucky and to some that sounds not so bad, to me, as a kid, it was the worst part of my life. Forget the fact that I was fat, that I was loud and sometimes stupid, forget the fact that some people (including adults) hated me. I grew up wanting a different dad. I rarely was happy to hear the garage door when I was a kid, it meant he was home, I used to hide in my closet so he wouldn't see me when I heard his foot creak the boards down the hallway. I used to wish he would die in a car crash on the way home from work or my mom would leave him. I used to wish I could send away for a second chance with a man that was just a little more like me. I used to wish my mom could have another baby and that he could hate on that kid more than me.
No luck. I was destined to grow up the youngest, the scapegoat, the lier, the cheater, the thief, the obnoxious one, the trouble maker, the crier, the complainer, the fat kid and later in life, most likely the mistake. 
(Ahhhhh, the beauty of being an adult who loves themself.. I can write those things down and not care, some I even write with a hint of pride :)
When it was time to leave home and go to college, I'm telling ya, there was not one tear of sadness EVER shed about me going to school 2000 miles away, good riddance was my thinking. Thanks for paying my room and board SUCKER! I used to just laugh in the dark in my dorm room at the thought of "what could he possibly do to me way out here? Yell at me? I can hang up on him if I want to and make him disappear" and I did MANY times. But there was one moment that started a major shift in my thinking of my dad.
When I was a frosh in college I went with some friends up to a girl's house in Northern Montana, and she happened to live right next to a Reservation. We drove through it one day and I remember feeling like the wind was knocked right out of me looking at the conditions these people were forced to live in. I can't explain how desolate and barren the land looked, but it shattered all of my innocent childhood visions of Native Americans. I went from associating them with nature to associating them with despair. I remember I broke from the girls and walked up to this hill overlooking their dump and just bawled. I couldn't swallow, I couldn't believe how incredibly lucky I was. I lived in a house with grass and sidewalks, these kids lived in shanties with wind howling through their garbage cans and stray dogs and cats running everywhere throughout their dirt road "town". I couldn't breathe, here I had complained about my less than perfect dad when there was so much more I could have complained about- no shoes, no food, no heat, no car, no education. I wrapped my arms around my rocking body and gave thanks to a father who stayed with our family, a dad who never drank, who never abused us in any way, a dad that got his ass out of bed everyday to pay the bills and give us a house and save money for his children's education. Even the third kid, who he might not have ever wanted in the first place.

It was the first time I got a taste of reality. The first time in my life I said, learn some humility, learn some gratefulness, learn some forgiveness, and maybe even learn some respect. 

I think that let me open up to the possibility that if I tore away my dissapointments, my discontent I might find that he had been teaching me some incredible truthes throughout my entire life and they were the ones that really mattered. Missing my soccer games hurt, but teaching me the difference between right and wrong really WAS more important. Over the years we have worked on our relationship, one 3 hour phone conversation was the definite turning point, but other times have been works in progress as well. Anyway, over the years if I were to give a real tribute to my father I would want it to sound like this:

my dad....
1 has never said or murmured a racist comment in my entire life, and not because he was being careful, it's because my dad just doesn't work like that. I grew up not knowing ANY slang words for people's race or religion, honestly it almost got me into a couple fights because I had no idea what I was saying was offensive, I didn't know that certain words meant things, because well no one ever taught me! And THANK YOU DAD for never teaching me that garbage.
It was a living example of how not to judge a book by its cover.

my dad....
2 believes and verbalized that his girls and any females could do, and grow up to be anything they wanted to be. I never thought once while growing up that I didn't have the "right" to be something based on me being a girl. Sex had nothing to do with your accomplishments or your abilities, penises or vaginas, they both work! 
That was a living example of how to treat all people as equals.


my dad...
3 used to drive us through the "bad" parts of Chicago, and he would tell me sometimes that people from the suburbs wanted to avoid the Projects and treat everyone they saw there as criminals. He would tell us there's nothing to be afraid of, that people aren't out to get us and if we're smart we wouldn't end up in trouble. He taught me how to not let fear control my thinking of a group or a situation. He also told me that people deserve kindness no matter where they live. 
A living example of thinking for myself.


my dad...
4 never said anything about people's sexual orientation beyond "it's none of your damn business" No name calling, labeling, judgment passing
That taught me that everyone deserves their privacy and their happiness, and there's a difference between not liking something, and something being "wrong"

my dad...
5 first asked me if I was ok when he found out I damaged his kick ass Thunderbird. He didn't ask what I did to it, how it happened, why it happened, what it looked like, he just asked me if I was ok. 
He taught me that material things can never replace the value of a life.

my dad...
6 taught me how to swallow my pride, he taught me that when I was caught in a lie it was better to fess up than continue to lie. There is worth in coming clean, there is redemption, there is freedom, there is growth in accepting responsiblitlty for our mistakes. No matter how much it sucks sometimes!!! :) 
A living example of honoring oneself and others through honesty and humility.

my dad..
7 always let me know that NO MATTER what I did in my life, no matter the trouble I found myself in he would always be there to help me and love me. He would never leave me fatherless. 
A living example of devotion to your loved ones.


8 my dad taught me about nature by having a standing date night with me for NOVA when I was a little girl. My dad taught me how to love road trippin by taking us cross country every summer, I've been to every state in America but Alaska because of him. My dad taught me to always wear my seatbelt. My dad taught me it's ok to ask for help. My dad defended my honor when I needed him to. My dad let me watch the Thriller video, even though he thought I was too young (kudos to my sister for working him over on that one) My dad taught me about sports. My dad taught me (ok maybe forced me sometimes) to try things at least once. My dad always said good night and I love you. My dad is my dad, take it or leave it, the good and the bad, he's still my dad.

I know this is going on FOREVER, but when are father daughter relationships easy to write about :) 

I guess I just wanted to say that I grew up thinking my dad was a monster, I thought I was put here on earth to be tortured by the worst dad ever because he couldn't give me what I wanted. But as I grew up I saw that he really gave me what I needed, and by teaching me the difference between right and wrong he has enriched my life, and the lives of his grandchildren. He has helped define who I am as a person, and I'm actually proud of who I am and who I'm becoming.

I'm glad you're my dad Frankie! 

PS I really hope it didn't sound like there was anything wrong with the PEOPLE I met at that particular Reservation. But I won't lie and say the US government gave this tribe a piece of land I would equate with viability. I'm sorry, maybe that's my own issue, because I know not all tribes lived in Kentucky, but I'm just saying... here these folks were living their lives under THESE conditions, what the F was I doing complaining like a little spoiled suburbia brat?

I survived my little pity party from earlier today.  

I guess a little background info... when I was first starting out campaigning for Barack, I told everyone that I was going to make it to the convention, that I was going to be a delegate, that this was the time, I had an epiphany that I was going to be IN that DNC! To me the DNC was here, close enough for me to travel to, for me to be in it.  Plain and simple, this wasn't a mistake me living here at this time, being political and him coming here.  I believed it was my chance to get my foot in the door, or at least have my tiny voice heard even a little.  it didn't work out the way I saw it in my vision...

I got my husband to come caucus with me way back in Feb., which was great for Barack, but horrible for our 2 young kids and for my husband and I who were just coming back together after a short split, the caucus was poorly thought through and they made it so stressful for people with small children b/c of that.  When it came time for them to ask for volunteer delegates I wasn't allowed to stay.  He pretty much told me that if I stayed I would have to find my way back home, and I was 20 miles from home.  He just couldn't take it anymore, the crying kids and the sideways glances from some people.  It sucked.  It hurt, I knew it was at that moment that I was given an opportunity to make a positive impact on a large scale, and I saw it get shut out by a tyrannical control freak... who I loved, OUCH! even worse!  I knew then I would have to make up for that lost delegate spot and I tried!  I went to the meet and greets, I drove to the town hall meetings, I called people, I put up signs and I called and called again and again to check and see if there was anything I could do to be part of this process.  It just didn't matter in the end.  Well, as I've been reminded of, it DID matter, but not in the way I had hoped.  no tickets materialized like I had seen them do BEFORE the caucus...

So today as I was getting online and reading how some of my friends were going and some of them joked about how EASY it was to get tickets, well, I kinda lost it for the day.  All those feelings I had the night my husband refused to wait those extra 30 minutes came rushing back in.  Resentment for being married to a person that limits my actions because he's afraid to move.  Anger towards those that flaunted something I wanted and worked for, but failed to achieve.  Pity for myself that I didn't have more strength to tell my husband to... (what foul word shall I try and post this time?)  Distrust for all of the people I had seen this week who couldn't look me in the eye and simply smile. HELLO, I'm walking around with a volunteer shirt on, I'm on your side, please smile at me and make me feel like I matter!  It all came to a head today and I couldn't figure out what to do with it.  So I just let it out with anger and a touch of " I don't want to do this anymore"  It felt good for a little bit.  I'm still dealing with the angry beast that lives in my chest and scratches every once in a while to remind me of my fury, but I'm lucky enough that I see the big picture and that keeps me breathing.  For me the big picture ISN'T about making my way into a magazine with my arm around some celebrity, it isn't about being able to say I was there.  it's about saying what I've done and what I'm doing to really make this change HAPPEN. Actions will always speak louder than words, that at least is on my side.  So what am I doing?

I stopped whining just long enough today to map out what I want to start writing about and some solutions I think could work.  I saw Barack's speech tonight, no matter how pissed off  I was at EVERYONE else ;), I had to watch him.  I had to feel like he was worth this pain, this pity party.  He was.  He definitely was.

Last week I had another epiphany and this time I was meeting him, not just watching him speak with 84,000 other people.  Enough of my epiphanies have come true in my life to know it could happen, but only if I stay true to myself and never give up and that's what I plan on doing.  Stay focused, stay true to my beliefs, stay honest and open, stay tuned in to life's quiet whispers from the sidelines...

When life closes a door, break out of the window!!!

THANKS JEN, my new found Blue Goose friend.  You saw through my complaints and knew I needed some fresh guidance, I'm going to go check out your suggestion right now!  PEACE!

really Blue Goose, I can't write S H I T?  That's offensive?  You censor curse words on here like I'm 13?  seriously, that's disappointing.  Can I say ****?  what about crapped on?  is 69 ok? can I write nasty slang on here?  can I call someone the n word?  shall I try?  

wow, I've never been censored before in my life, esp. online.  I'm going have to think about this for a bit......

D O U C H E   B A G is censored?  

someone explain to me why.

What a bunch of wankers!

I seem to go into things thinking everything is going to be great, enlightening, reaffirming, positive.  I guess I naively go in thinking things are going to support my beliefs, because I believe so strongly in them.  It's a curse being optimistic.  It now seems it's a curse to be active for a cause- money works better.  I feel let down by this political party that ONCE AGAIN is trying to win an election on the backs and now check books of us poor people.  It pisses me off to no end.  I walked around the DNC this week for leisure and as a volunteer and all around me I found the pomp and "I'm better than you" attitude on every corner.  Most of the male delegates could have been ripped from an elderly version of J. Crew catalog and almost all the women were dolled up and walking all over in 4 inch heels.  Not very many of them seemed to remember how to smile.

I'm bitter at how easily a delegate was able to get their 15 year old a ticket to hear Barack speak today, and yet me and the schmoe volunteering next to me got nothing. I've been volunteering for Barack's campaign for a year, I just wasn't signed up with the RIGHT organization, which I found out AFTER they gave away all those tickets to Mile High.  I'm the one handing out information to perfect strangers, I'm the one reminding my friends to caucus, I'm the one calling random people on my call bank list asking them about Barack.  ME, the one he's claiming to want to help, not the 15 year old, not the trust funder who got in because he's interested in politics.  So degrading, so disheartening, so business as usual in Richy Rich America.  Business as usual states that I'll always get **** on because I don't have the desire to sell my soul to be another cookie cutter sell out.  Without the cash I'm worthless.  EVEN thought they claim I'm not.  I just don't get it.

The worst part was seeing all of the next generation of politicians suited up in their polo jackets and ties and belts and shoes and socks and underwear, I'm sure.  The more I get into this political arena the more I hate politicians, their blanks stares, their dead fish handshakes, thier inability to address the needs at hand... it really is all about them.  I'll get over the fact that there's a bunch of people that got tickets to tonight that haven't lifted a finger to help his campaign, they're coming out of the woodwork today- "I'm going to hear Barack tonight",  "Barack here I come!".  It is just another shining example how life isn't fair, isn't even close.  

It's also another opportunity for me to sit and meditate on how I can bring about the change I know some of us living here in the belly of the beast need, cause this DNC door's been shut.  I'm stuck with this will, this vision, this desire and yet my faith is fading fast.  Which I'm sure is exactly the opposite of what they want over at the Barack camp.  

maybe when Washington looks more like a college hangout and less like a fashion runway (with UGLY models) maybe then I'll have more faith.  Until then I'm just here figuring out my next path... sad I don't get to see Barack tonight like all the other wankers.  

My thought over the past few months has been to write him a weekly letter addressing the truth behind living in America, like the majority of Americans, something most Washington politicians DON'T understand.  

Let me know if anyone wants to join in.  The letters will be nice and all, but honest and with suggestions.  I'm not a basher, I'm not here to whine, I'm just here telling you how I saw it.  Now I need to change it.

Peace

I'm trying to think of ways to do a quick introduction of myself to Blue Goose.  If I start in, it could be a novela, so I'm going to keep it short and sweet...

I'm the youngest of three and grew up the scapegoat of the family, at some point I turned into the black sheep of the family and now I'm the bearcat- fearless, loud, independent and, yet, soft.

I studied philosophy in college focusing on animal ethics and minority rights so I love debates but I prefer them all to be logical ones.  

Marx, Socrates, Aristotle, Rand, Emerson, Singer were all influences on me.

I'm writing a screenplay, yeah, I know, everyone's writing a screenplay.

If you're into enneagrams, I'm a solid 8.

If you're into astrology I'm a Scorpio sun, Libra moon and Capricorn rising.. which is why I'm a solid 8 in the enneagram.

I believe in the energy or "spirit" that binds all living things, but I never have and I never will believe in a god.

I capitalize Google but I don't capitalize god.

sometimes I don't capitalize at all :)  grammar snobs get back!

I use the  -  and  :  incorrectly all the time, I know it and I don't care.  I love my grammar loving friends, but I'm not one of them for a reason.  I think languages evolve, and who am I to try and stop evolution?

I believe in evolution and yet I have no desire to find out where, when and why life on Earth started.

I think there's mystery to this Earth that scientists will never truly understand or explain.  I like that... a lot.

I'm comfortable walking into a room where I know no one.

I'm comfortable giving a speech in public on something I believe in.

I have higher digits in my IQ score than I do in my checking account.

I have few acquaintances and many many friends

I can't snowboard or roll my Rs.

I was burned at the stake in a past life or two.  OUCH!

I believe the three most important modern inventions are the microscope, the airplane and the video camera.

I take thrift store shopping to a brand new level.

I not afraid of death but I'm not too keen on torture.

I'm honest, empathetic, sarcastic, playful, optimistic, forgiving, inquisitive and paying attention to life outside of my bubble.  

I'll answer almost any question and I'll help almost anyone move.  

I'm super tired so I'm signing off early.  This was my brief introduction to some of my layers, I have opinions about almost everything so next time it should be more focused and thought provoking.

PEACE!